it wears her out

I am back in my hometown for the weekend. I'm sleepy, my room is being painted so I'm in one of the guest bedrooms, and my brother is home (which is not a good thing, actually). But I've been allowing myself to relax and not worry as much as I normally do. There's just always something going on in my family, so it's kind of dramatic. Hence why I keep the whole counseling/relapse aspect of my life to myself.

But I went shopping with my sister today, and told her I relapsed in October and was seeing a counselor in Fredericton. She suggested talking to someone with a degree (I'm currently talking to a psych student, actually, not a shrink), making an appointment with my doctor, etc. See if I need to be on medication, try and figure out what's wrong with me.

I love my sister. I love all of my family, but I really love my sister. She's sarcastic and blunt and just really, really straightforward with me. Makes me realize how dramatic I'm being when I don't even realize I'm doing it. She also calls me a retard and I call her a perfectionist and it's all lovely.

Interesting fact: we were discussing my whole support system, she asked what happened with Fin (I hadn't really mentioned him, which is a bit of a change from when I was home for Christmas*). Said he wasn't really an option in my support system, her response was "Oh...what happened? Does he have a crush on you or something?"

I'm pretty sure she's the first person to ask that, not the other way around. After setting her straight ("No, I have a crush on him, and he sort of had** one on me and things are really complicated right now") and we shopped a bit, conversation ambled back over to the Fin situation. I told her that other than officially being a couple, we were a couple last semester: I have told no one in my family this, and prior to actually telling her I had every intention of keeping it that way. I think some things just need to be shared with family, sometimes, and my parents already have enough to deal with and wouldn't really understand the situation.

After giving her the Coles Notes version of why Fin broke things off, she asked if he'd ever been in a relationship before ("Yes, his last relationship ended badly.") Trying to explain how Fin is one of the most social people I know, but sometimes this can come back to bite him--really friendly, but also pretty damn flirtatious*** and sometimes doesn't know other people's limits because he basically has none. Doesn't seem to understand consequences, sometimes--I didn't mention that to Ang, it just popped in my head.

Sidenote: I'm pretty sure this whole situation is overcompensating for not understanding consequences before. I don't know, all I know is he ruined a really, really good friendship and let it get messy and hurty and complicated and really awkward. Know what? Not my fucking fault. I didn't do anything wrong.

Upshot: "It sounds like his social development is even more awkward than yours." --Ang

*To give you an idea of how much I talked about him, I was home all of six hours before my mom asked "So, Fin...is he a friend, or more than a friend?"

**(has? I don't really know if I can say that, since he doesn't let his thought process go there)

*** First time we kissed, I had a boyfriend. It was at a Wet/Dry in September, and we ended up dancing, and kissing. I didn't find out until December that he had also kissed two other girls earlier in the evening. Furthermore, when he and I had our thing last semester, he also started to be particularly flirtatious with a girl in his English class just because he could.

Why am I so enamoured with this boy, again? oh yeah, because he's an amazing person and I've never met anyone like him and he's ridiculously chipper and gets happy because of kitties and doesn't want to kiss too much when it's the first snowfall because he's nostalgic for his grandparent's house in Ontario and it would feel wrong to be kissing there. And he's ridiculously optimistic and somewhat naive but still amazing and really a fantastic, fantastic friend. And writes poems that make you think of mental institutions but it's really about airports--and on that note, has the most eloquent description for airports I've ever heard. And he does little things that make me heart go pitter patter, and it's kind of ridiculous because I've told my heart to stop reacting like that but it's not listening to me. And 'cause he doesn't give up on me even when I'm really, really just acting childish--crying and sobbing and hitting and being a general wreck and he just holds me because he knows it's really all he can do until I'm me again. And because I love him, a little bit.