"I do this thing where I think I'm real sick
But I won't go to the doctor to find out about it
'Cause they make you stay real still
In a real small space
As they chart up your insides and put them on display
They'd see all of it, all of me, all of it
All of the good that won't come out of me
And all of the stupid lies I hide behind"
I somehow managed to lose about 4 hours to the never-ending vortex that is the spiraling thought process of my head. That's 4 hours where I could have been productive and studied for a mid-term, done research, or started to write any one of the three papers I have due the first week back after March Break. I probably could have done anything else, instead of cry for no reason and paint my nails as distraction and write (which turned into scribbling on the page like a 2-year old, because sometimes there are no words and that's a little terrifying). I probably could have done something other than push-ups and sit-ups and the trauma releasing exercises that Alex gave me, and I probably could have avoided calling Fin four times in some desperate hope that he would turn his fucking phone on. I think I need to take a hint and let things go and stop worrying that he'll find someone else because whether he does or not, he doesn't want me and there's nothing I can do about that.
So, focusing on me getting better would be a plus. If I could stop feeling like a fool and an idiot and like I should've known better, I would appreciate it. If my brain would stop telling me I'm a fucking idiot fucking slut fucking whore fucking failure, I'd be grateful. Maybe that's just me.
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You're nothing of the horrible things that you think you are. That's fer shure. He may not want you (I am gonna try and talk to him this week or over March Break.) But regardless, we want you. You'll forever be my first husband.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it'll do you any good, but the first song that comes to mind is "Spring Street" by Vanessa Carlton.
Deep inside you have the strength to get better. We both do. It'll come as iddy bitty little bits at first, but hold on to the smallest pieces and everything will find itself fitting together. You WILL get better Lisa. And if you have an even harder time doing so, well, I think I might just have to have a talking to that brain of yours and tell it to smarten up. Maybe it just doesn't want to see the light on the other side of the tunnel? Either way, there is one. And it wants to hold you more than anything else in the world. :) Below that, is me. Because I love ya like a husband and a sister.
You're right, sometimes there are no words.
ReplyDelete*cuddlehug*