So remember that set time span I was talking about yesterday? Ended up not happening. Thoughts started spiralling and going from what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-me to Findlay-doesn't-want-me to oh-my-god-why-am-I-not-dead to oh-my-god-I've-gotten-no-work-done to fuck-fuck-fuck-what-if-I-fail-what-if-I-have-to-leave-what-if-they-can't-fix-me. And then there was just a steady stream of failurewhorefuckingbitchstupididiot, etc.
Then it ended up that it was 12:30am, 'whore' was cut into my stomach, and my brain would not leave me alone. I went to visit Alex, talked with him until about 2:30. My brain finally let me go around 3:30, and I slept.
Called counseling services early this morning (8:30 kind of early). After some discussion and a lucky cancellation, I was able to get an appointment with the same woman I'll be seeing on an ongoing basis. I now have a contract I have to adhere to--no suicide attempts between now and my next appointment--and a list of things I can do if I really, really am scared and feel like I'm going to hurt myself. I have a list of people I can call and Fin is not on this list.
I've been having about a 3 week, I think things are more around a 6 now...maybe a 7, sometimes. Saw Fin and spoke to Fin at dinner and was sort of able to forget for a bit that everything hurts when I'm around him and how seeing him isn't really good for me right now, then he left with Mark and I remembered...Oh yeah.
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