I wake up in the morning and I don't want to. I drag myself out of bed when I don't want to, but I can't justify staying--I consider that a plus, I take what victories I can. I go to class to keep my average up, I go to class because it's distraction, I go to class because it's the one thing I know I'm good at that no one can take away from me.
I focus on my family-by-blood and not my family-by-choice, and I ignore the fact that the picture Zara drew that time she visited is pretty much a lie when it comes to me now. I take solace in hugs from my nieces when I see them, and I talk to my sister because she grounds me more than anybody else I know. I love her for it, and I can't wait until I'm past this and can thank her properly. I can't wait until it's five years from now and I'm able to laugh at the more high school bits of this, I can't wait until it's five years from now and this will feel like a really bad fever dream that I couldn't get out of.
I find little things to focus on. I don't always focus on the big things, and I may not always focus on school, but I'm still trying. I try and accept the fact that you're ignoring me completely, I try to accept the fact that you probably just need time. I try and not be mad with you, I try and not think it means you hate me and never want to speak to me again. I try to not feel like you abandoned me, but that's what it feels like. My success in that department is mixed at best. Abandonment is not unconditional love.
Instead, I focus on the people who don't ignore me. The people who actively seek me out, who realize that a lot of the time, I can't ask. I try and work on self-forgiveness and self-compassion and self- care instead of self-injury. When I feel like my life has gotten entirely off of where I wanted it to be, I just remember my water wings and that it happens to everyone and it is not the end of the world and this does not make me a weak person. I try and reverse the situation, like Kathleen and I have talked about. I try and avoid manipulating what we talk about. I follow the list. I try, and fail, and try again. And somewhere along the way, I swear, I'll get better.
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A slightly odd comment. But have you read "How I Live Now" by Meg Rosoff? I remember recommending it to you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I want you to know that you're not the only one like this. I may not show it or talk about it, but it's there. It's not the same topic but many of the feelings are shared. And if I didn't have class in the morning, I would ask if you wanted to come chill for a bit.
Anyway, see you tomorrow in class.
Yes, I've read How I Live Now, and I figured you would catch my reference. It just fit, more than anything.
ReplyDeleteThe statistics show I'm not the only one who feels like this, otherwise anti-depressants wouldn't be as highly prescribed as they are. Everyone and their dog is on something. I was doing ok on my own for awhile--then this semester happened and things sort of started stuttering. It's like a film reel that starts skipping, that's what my mind feels like some days.
I also have class in the morning. I should probably go to bed, I've been collecting things together for my meeting with Dr. McKim tomorrow.
I'll see you tomorrow in class, talk to you then.