holding onto yourself the best you can

"The assumption is that the alternative to self-injury is "acting normally," but on the contrary...the alternative to self-injury is total loss of control and possibly suicide. It becomes a forced choice from among limited options."--Solomon and Farrand (1996)

How you know you're ready to stop:

• I have a solid emotional support system of friends, family, and/or professionals that I can use if I feel like hurting myself. Pretty much, yeah. I try to spread the crazy around.
  
• There are at least two people in my life that I can call if I want to hurt myself. There are at least two people in my life who've offered...seeking them out is another story, and is more difficult than I'd like to admit.
  
• I feel at least somewhat comfortable talking about SIV with three different people. Yes. To varying degrees.
  
• I have a list of at least ten things I can do instead of hurting myself. My list has five things. But most people can only come up with one, so I am good with that.
  
• I have a place to go if I need to leave my house so as not to hurt myself. Not anymore. Good job, self. Just keep fucking things up, how's that sound? Sound good? Seems like a common occurrence with you.
  
• I feel confident that I could get rid of all the things that I might be likely to use to hurt myself. Oh Jesus. I have trouble with that, in all honesty. I was doing good on Boxing Day when I threw them out when talking to Fin but but but things have changed since then.
  
• I have told at least two other people that I am going to stop hurting myself. Yes.
  
• I am willing to feel uncomfortable, scared, and frustrated. Working on that. It's. I can't really put into words what it's like.
  
• I feel confident that I can endure thinking about hurting myself without having to actually do so. I have good days, I have bad days, I have good hours and bad hours and it really all depends. Sometimes, I just get tired of fighting it.
  
• I want to stop hurting myself. No one wants to actively harm themselves, it's not a "Oh, I'm going to do some homework, slice up my leg, watch some Twin Peaks and maybe write a bit." It's not a matter of wanting to stop, it's a matter of wanting something better for yourself. Do I necessarily want something better for myself? Do I necessarily think I deserve better? I'll get back to you on that.
  

Apparently Fin thought it was only a matter of "Want to hurt myself, talk to someone, everything's ok" since that was the only experience he really had with me and that, according to him. He thought I would be more capable of handling everything when it ended, that I was more independent and strong. He didn't know he was pulling a rug out from under my feet--apparently, he didn't know there was a metaphorical rug there in the first place.

I feel so out of control.