all the small defeats the day demands

I don’t like being in my head these days—I’ve been going in circles for 5 hours and that is definitely not a good thing. I just end up curled on a chair rocking back and forth a bit and trying to slow my head down even though it’s not quieting. I just want to fall asleep next to someone and I can’t and everything hurts. And I don’t want everything to hurt, because I hurt enough as is that I feel like I’m breaking underneath everything else sometimes. I just can’t hold it all. And that’s when I really break, and I collapse, and I relapse and it’s bad for everyone involved. It’s bad for me because I’m left with the scars...I think it’s bad for them. Well. I don’t know why, ask them.

I hear periodic thumps of snow falling off the roof outside my window. I think that’s a good thing because it reminds me of the world around me. Snow falling off roofs happens every winter in countless cities and it’s always the same thump upon impact. I think keeping this in mind is a very, very important thing right now: it’s happened this winter and the winter before that and the winter before that, and it’ll happen next winter and the winter after and the winter after ad infinitum.

There’s a boy in one of my classes who I think has an interest in me. Probably just wants to be friends, but I still get all panicky about it—I don’t want him interested in me. I’m not looking, I want the one I can’t have (oh my mother fuck I just quoted The Smiths, shoot me now) and I really, really, really don’t feel in any position to be looking anywhere else at the moment. But I feel like everyone wants me looking elsewhere and moving past this and ohmyfuckIcan’tIloveyouandI’msorry.

Snow thumping outside my window. This winter, the winter before that, the winter before that, next winter, the winter after that, the winter after that ad infinitum.

Hopefully winters without scars, if Friday goes well and I can get out of my head and just ignore this hurt in my chest. There’s hurt in my neck from last night and hurt in my head because I’m a defective child like that with headaches and such, but this heart hurt is a persistent dull ache that just keeps growing and twisting a little deeper each time.

I hurt. A lot. makeitstopplease? I think I need to do that on my own.