I just found some fanfiction I wrote in grade 10. And I found the book where I had all my ED quotes. And I found a drabble about bathwater and sound. It's like a window into being 15 again and I don't know if I like it. It's unsettling to see how much things have changed--I was once a girl who wrote out entire paragraphs of Wasted so that I would have something to occupy my mind instead of eating. I wrote pages and pages of thinly veiled retreats into the darkest part of my life--lives consumed by self-injury, bloodlust, food weight calories numbers and Bones. Always Bones. Coming out stories and strained relationships with parents who don't get it and aren't there. Everything's scribbled and illegible and I'm not that girl anymore. I'd love to read the letter I wrote Fin in October, I'd love to read the letter I wrote Fin in February--because I know I'm not that girl anymore, just like I'm not this fifteen year old anymore. I just want to see the change.
Am I going to feel like this three years from now when I look back on this blog? Am I going to feel so completely disconnected from who I am now and who I'll be then?
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