.

"Other than my mother and my sister, you've been the most influential woman in my life."

I'm finding that increasingly difficult to swallow.

Six months from now, when I'm a distant memory of A Girl You Used to Fuck Who Went Off the Deep End, when you're telling that to another girl...right when you're ending things, most likely. Chances are, she'll have fallen in love with you and you'll have fallen in love with her (or at the very least, you'll think you have) but it won't be a relationship because it never is with you. When you're telling her how much she matters to you, how you're doing this for the both of you, how this is better in the long term. And when you're telling her you'll never forget her, how you want her in your life forever, how she's the most influential woman in your life outside of family...and when she asks "What about Lisa?" and you say that all of the influence from me was negative, was in the aftermath...I do hope you'll realize you're lying, a little bit. I do hope you'll realize that I tried my hardest, that I tried to make things work, I tried to acknowledge what happened instead of just ignoring it entirely. I do hope you'll realize that we were fucking amazing together, that we were a good thing. I'm not about to let you cheapen that.

I deserve better than what you've been offering. I deserve better than the months of constantly worrying about where I stand, afraid to say the wrong thing in the fear that it would drive you away. I deserve better than feeling like I'm second rate, like I'm good for a fuck and a suck and not much else. I deserve better than feeling like everything I'm feeling is a burden, like I'm just dragging you down. I deserve better than being told that my way of working through things is simply living in the past. I deserve better than being told to get over it, I deserve better than you telling me you never led me on, you didn't know the impact you had. I deserve a friend who loves me for who I am (flaws, illness, neuroses and all), not what they want me to be.