I think I've pinpointed what it is that bothers me so much about the FinandHer situation. She gets the one thing I always wanted last semester (and part of this semester, too, if I'm being totally honest with myself): She got him saying "I want to be with you and only you." She didn't get talks about how he doesn't want a relationship, how he'll be careful because he doesn't want to hurt her, how "it's not a matter of wanting other options, it's a matter of 'Do I have them or not?'"

She just gets him. I got to be the one he used as he fucked his way through getting over Krista, I was there when he cried about how he thought he was going to marry her, I held him the night after he considered suicide and told him that if he ever needed anything, no matter what time, I was there for him. And she gets to reap the rewards. It hardly seems fair that I put so much into being there for him, being whatever he needed, and she gets the reward of him when he's all better and moved on and just looking to fuck.

He pretty much told me to wait for him, so I did. But I can't help but feel that if I'd been a bit more patient, if I hadn't been so insistent on dealing with everything that had happened, if I had just acted the way he wanted me to maybe things would be different and we would have that true relationship that he always acted like he wanted.

I don't want it now, because he is not the boy I fell in love with and he hasn't been for a very long time, but I can't help but feeling it's somewhat my fault. Logically I know it's not, but there's this voice that keeps going over and over what I could have done differently. She used to be so loud, she used to help Blades but now she gets quieter and softer and Blades is cowering in the corner in the chains I've put him in. But she still comes in when I'm sleeping, and I wish she'd stop.