"a sign of what?"

"A 19-year-old boy has the maturity of a 12-year-old. Maybe that's why he dates them." -- Ang

I'm at my sister's house and I should be asleep but my mind is racing and my brain isn't letting me. I've had a really good few solid days--made alfredo sauce, watched 5 hours of Firefly with Meredith, bought books secondhand, hung out with Dom, made plans with friends from high school, saw my nieces and will start my day off tomorrow seeing them. So many good things in my life, so many wonderful little moments that add up to fantastic whole, and the ghosts of everything bad keep creeping in and I wish they would just leave me alone.

When my sister picked me up this afternoon, my nieces were fast asleep in their carseats. Armed with coffee, we drove through Rothesay and some of Quispam and possibly some of Hampton. In between admiring the adorableness of my nieces and reveling in sunlight playing on green glass and the leaves of trees, his "Take This As A Sign" handiwork showed up. I kind of realized how off-kilter my thinking has been when Ang's reaction to finding out he did that is "Well, that's illegal."

Maybe I'm not making sense, but that struck me as important to note. I think I've been filling in the memories with nostalgia, and I need to see some of the bad of last semester--his inability to actually learn about SI, the way he never worded things quite properly. The way he always said her name with a little bit of hurt in his voice, how situations always had a comparison to something with her the way my anecdotes always seem to come around to him. The way I told him to be safe the night of November 25th and he wasn't, the way he bragged about it afterward, the way he said that if a random woman had shown up and offered sex, he would've (this occurred early November, following a rather swift move from his front door to his bed--patience is not one of his virtues). The way I've always felt expendable with him, and then finally realizing that I am. That realization took longer than he'd expected, I think.

I've found myself taking note of my breathing over the past few days, really noticing how my lungs work and my body moves and feeling the rush of air move through me. Being able to breathe without this weight on my chest is a beautiful thing.