I forgot!

Notable moments with my nieces:

- Upon first waking up this afternoon from falling asleep in the car, my niece Cecilia says "Mommy, why are you moving the car?" After Ang explains that she's driving, Cecilia simply replies "oh."

- Erika being generally adorable and saying "You live at Nanny's house."

- Cecilia saying "Let's watch Dr. Oz!" (Yes, she is definitely the child of a nurse)

- Finding out that Cecilia now calls Mom and Dad "Erika's Nanny and Pappi." Mom has tried to explain that she and Dad are also Cecilia's Nanny and Pappi, to no avail as far as I'm aware.

- Playing hide-and-seek in which Erika says "you hide here, Auntie"

- Basically every moment with them because they are absolutely fantabulously adorable and I love them to pieces.

"a sign of what?"

"A 19-year-old boy has the maturity of a 12-year-old. Maybe that's why he dates them." -- Ang

I'm at my sister's house and I should be asleep but my mind is racing and my brain isn't letting me. I've had a really good few solid days--made alfredo sauce, watched 5 hours of Firefly with Meredith, bought books secondhand, hung out with Dom, made plans with friends from high school, saw my nieces and will start my day off tomorrow seeing them. So many good things in my life, so many wonderful little moments that add up to fantastic whole, and the ghosts of everything bad keep creeping in and I wish they would just leave me alone.

When my sister picked me up this afternoon, my nieces were fast asleep in their carseats. Armed with coffee, we drove through Rothesay and some of Quispam and possibly some of Hampton. In between admiring the adorableness of my nieces and reveling in sunlight playing on green glass and the leaves of trees, his "Take This As A Sign" handiwork showed up. I kind of realized how off-kilter my thinking has been when Ang's reaction to finding out he did that is "Well, that's illegal."

Maybe I'm not making sense, but that struck me as important to note. I think I've been filling in the memories with nostalgia, and I need to see some of the bad of last semester--his inability to actually learn about SI, the way he never worded things quite properly. The way he always said her name with a little bit of hurt in his voice, how situations always had a comparison to something with her the way my anecdotes always seem to come around to him. The way I told him to be safe the night of November 25th and he wasn't, the way he bragged about it afterward, the way he said that if a random woman had shown up and offered sex, he would've (this occurred early November, following a rather swift move from his front door to his bed--patience is not one of his virtues). The way I've always felt expendable with him, and then finally realizing that I am. That realization took longer than he'd expected, I think.

I've found myself taking note of my breathing over the past few days, really noticing how my lungs work and my body moves and feeling the rush of air move through me. Being able to breathe without this weight on my chest is a beautiful thing.

Post Script

My reading for the summer is coming along quite nicely, I've finished the bottom two. I'll probably also re-read some favourites, and my list will definitely expand, at the rate I'm reading.

I've got lots of thoughts bouncing around in my head, and they'll probably come out proper in the next few days. For now, though, I'm good with things being semi-unpacked (read: barely unpacked), listening to Damien Rice (without headphones! :O), and talking to Brandon (because he is a nifty friend). I'm informing him of the awesomeness that is Desaparecidos.

Also, things that are nifty about being home:
- I finally get to see the chandelier my mom bought for my room. As you can see, it is quite pretty.

- Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw foreva! See above for photographic evidence.

- I get constant little reminders that I'm living with a toddler, as evidenced by the plastic tea cup and utensils in my parents' bathroom. It makes me smile, I'm living with the cutest brown-eyed toddler ever.

"He will never bring it about that I am nothing so long as I shall think that I am something." -- Descartes

Taken out of context, this works wonders in describing my relationship with Blades. Put into the context of the evil deceiver hypothesis, it works even more.

I'm done my first year of university, and it hasn't quite hit me yet. I have four months in Saint John in which I can sleep and work and play with my nieces and go swimming and not think about him because he will be 1512 km away and I can miss all of my friends in different provinces but talk with them weekly and it will be wonderful and full of sunshine and I'll have tan lines and my feet will be tired from standing and dealing with American tourists but it will definitely be worth it. I'll wear lots of dresses and feel pretty and cute as a button and smile more and laugh lots and I'll work on forgiving myself for whatever it is I feel like I need to forgive myself for.

"I looked at the question on Hobbes, and then my mind was just full of bears. That's all there was." --Meredith

but you are what you love, kid, and not what loves you back

I'm locking up the bitch in my head who tells me everything I've fucked up. I shouldn't have let her out in the first place.

I'm falling out of love with Fin, and it's taken a helluva lot longer than the few weeks it allegedly took him. I have serious doubts as to his understanding of love, and sincerely suspect that what he views as falling in love wouldn't line up most people's view of such emotions. For instance, testing someone isn't love. Flirting with someone else for the sake of flirting because it's fun, that isn't love. Expecting someone to get over you just because you said so, that isn't love. Abandoning someone on a basement floor when they're crying, that's not love. Making everything out like it's not your fault and you've done nothing wrong and essentially blaming someone else for a wrecked friendship, that's not love. You don't know what love is, and I doubt you ever really will.

There's all these remnants outside from a Silly String (oh, sorry, "Wacky Streamers") War with Kat and Meredith. It makes my heart happy.

I'm going to miss home.

I think I've pinpointed what it is that bothers me so much about the FinandHer situation. She gets the one thing I always wanted last semester (and part of this semester, too, if I'm being totally honest with myself): She got him saying "I want to be with you and only you." She didn't get talks about how he doesn't want a relationship, how he'll be careful because he doesn't want to hurt her, how "it's not a matter of wanting other options, it's a matter of 'Do I have them or not?'"

She just gets him. I got to be the one he used as he fucked his way through getting over Krista, I was there when he cried about how he thought he was going to marry her, I held him the night after he considered suicide and told him that if he ever needed anything, no matter what time, I was there for him. And she gets to reap the rewards. It hardly seems fair that I put so much into being there for him, being whatever he needed, and she gets the reward of him when he's all better and moved on and just looking to fuck.

He pretty much told me to wait for him, so I did. But I can't help but feel that if I'd been a bit more patient, if I hadn't been so insistent on dealing with everything that had happened, if I had just acted the way he wanted me to maybe things would be different and we would have that true relationship that he always acted like he wanted.

I don't want it now, because he is not the boy I fell in love with and he hasn't been for a very long time, but I can't help but feeling it's somewhat my fault. Logically I know it's not, but there's this voice that keeps going over and over what I could have done differently. She used to be so loud, she used to help Blades but now she gets quieter and softer and Blades is cowering in the corner in the chains I've put him in. But she still comes in when I'm sleeping, and I wish she'd stop.

falling out of love at this volume

Sometimes when I really can't sleep, I'll think about last semester. And I've realized within the past few weeks that it all feels like it happened to someone else, that that wasn't me. It's like I've stolen someone else's memories, but I can't remember whose so I can't return them.

I wish the most memorable part of Wednesday wasn't the bad part, and I really hope to never again experience a hangover like I experienced Thursday. Friday night was bad, him writing "I'm in a relationship" is about the strangest thing I've ever read. It's just so foreign, like it's out of sync or somehow off-kilter, some exotic species--her and not me. A girl he's known for maybe a month, he'd rather be with her than someone he had ended up falling in love with (for a spell, at least). Friday night went from 40 to zero. Last night went to zero. I'm chalking it up to a learning experience.

"Playgrounds are graveyards and all of our scars are permanent." - Emily Haines & the Soft Skeleton

what we have here is a failure to communicate

I'm doing well.

Fun facts, good things, stray thoughts:

- Greenland is the least densely populated country in the world. Of the 239 countries, Canada is 228th. I love living in such a large country, it really is beautiful. I remember going to visit friends of the family out West when I was 12 or so, and I would wake up in the middle of the night because the air was so dry. My lips were constantly chapped. It's strange, the things we remember.
- If one were to walk from Vancouver, British Columbia to Sydney, Australia, one would have to kayak across the Pacific Ocean. Google Maps seems to discriminate against kayaking across the Atlantic Ocean, oddly enough. I have yet to find an instance of kayaking across the Atlantic.
- A full quarter of this country's population resides in the Golden Horseshoe in southern Ontario. I'm just sort of in awe.
- New Brunswick has a lot of parishes.
- I got an A+ on my Global Politics paper. I'm quite pleased, even if I'm still curious as to what made me lose a mark in the analysis/argument section.
- I don't know how to cite the Bible. Oddly enough, realizing this did not lead to an identity crisis. We'll say this is a plus.
- I miss counseling, a little bit. Not in the traditional sense of missing, though. More...having someone completely impartial, someone who is trained to help me sort out the strands in my head, who understands what I'm talking about. But counseling is incredibly expensive, and I know that I'm doing ok enough that I don't really need it at this moment in time.
- I feel a bit like a fake in my depression and self-injury because I'm doing so well. I feel like it should have been harder to get better, or something. It's the same thing with my eating disorder, I told Kathleen once that it felt like I had cheated the system.
-half the time I don't know if I want Fin in my life. Actually, no, I do want him in my life. I just don't know if it's what's healthiest for me.
- My head is a tapestry and the strands keep pulling tighter, blinding me. I pick out the big strands and I deal with them.
- I'm pretty sure that I have the best friends I could ask for. I feel so blessed to have found everyone I've found this year.
- I am going to miss Fredericton and STU with a passion previously only reserved for family and those closest to me. It's going to be four months away from home.
- I'm getting better.

"In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus

I'm not calling you a ghost, just stop haunting me

I just grabbed it off your floor one time I stayed the night, it was the first thing my fingers touched. It was comfortable and over-sized and it was yours, so I loved it. It hit my legs in such a place that wearing it without pants around your house was kind of indicative of the intimacy of our relationship: not a shirt to wear in mixed company, better suited for 2 am treks to the kitchen to eat grapes than anything else, really. Something to throw on if I needed to climb out from under your five blankets--Duck Tales, a unicorn quilt you made yourself, Thomas the Tank Engine and two others I can't quite place--in the middle of the night, something to keep me warm and semi-decent until I came back to you.

Things are getting easier. I can breathe again. You knew what this past Sunday meant to me, and regardless of whether we're speaking or not, if you ever cared about me you would have congratulated me--it could have been a message on facebook, for all I care. At this point, you're really not someone I need in my life right now. I don't know you anymore.

I had my last counseling appointment today. I have a plan, and I have a list of things I can if any urge comes on strong, and I'm aware of the flip-flop that seems to happen between my self-injury and my eating issues--it's all about challenging. What I think about myself, what I think about you, what I think about those around me, family, strangers, people I've only met once, people I've bumped into by accident. It's challenging in every sense of the word.

And I get to a point where I'm ok with you not being in my life. Where yes, it still hurts, but I at least didn't ignore it. I dealt with it, and I'm stronger for it. You see, that's how it works: you don't ignore it until you're strong enough to deal with it, you tackle it head-on and you are stronger for it. There are only a few things I can think of where dealing with an issue before you're ready can be detrimental, and you have experienced none of them.

So I'm ok. I feel good. And then I see you and why are you on campus and why are you wearing that shirt you know I always wore that shirt and you nod at me but you haven't acknowledged me in over a month and I don't know what to do with myself so I just stop and let my heart speak for me and all it can do is pound. And I keep walking, because I have to.

Seeing that shirt on you didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I think you're starting to be a ghost in my life.

Motherfucking heart palpitations at the thought of you. This is getting ridiculous. Just stay out of my head, for the love of God. Don't make me beg.

This hurts. Why do you end up hurting every girl you fall for?

don't they usually have tokens for this sort of thing?

I can't really put it eloquently: 30 days ago was the last time I self-injured.

30 days ago, I had a three-and-a-half-hour fight with Findlay. I think up until now, I've never admitted it was a fight--it was a 'discussion,' an 'argument,' a 'disagreement.'

No, actually, it was a fight. And it wasn't pretty. I punched myself in the face and he walked away, I punched myself in the leg and he thought I was aiming to punch him. I called him a selfish bastard and told him he fucked everything up, he ruined everything we had, he ruined me. He said that he had fallen in love with me last semester, and he had decided he didn't want to be physical anymore so he just stopped. And fell out. And he said he was fed up, unpacked my books from the bag he'd been carrying them in for me, put on his fedora and left me sitting on the floor in the basement of Margaret Norrie.

I scared him. I'm 5 foot 5, 115 pounds. He's 6 foot 1, probably around 160 pounds, and fairly strong. And I scared him. How does that happen?

I got back to my room at 11 o'clock at night--I had left Fin's at 7:30. I tried to put it off, but by that point it had felt useless to even try and resist it.

I carved 'il m'aime pas' into my thigh. I can still see it, a little bit. I believed it then. I believe it now. The only difference is it starts to matter a little less. At this point, it's your loss.

You know, you've all been amazing. I can't thank you properly here, you all know who you are. I love you. So much. Thank you.

.

"Other than my mother and my sister, you've been the most influential woman in my life."

I'm finding that increasingly difficult to swallow.

Six months from now, when I'm a distant memory of A Girl You Used to Fuck Who Went Off the Deep End, when you're telling that to another girl...right when you're ending things, most likely. Chances are, she'll have fallen in love with you and you'll have fallen in love with her (or at the very least, you'll think you have) but it won't be a relationship because it never is with you. When you're telling her how much she matters to you, how you're doing this for the both of you, how this is better in the long term. And when you're telling her you'll never forget her, how you want her in your life forever, how she's the most influential woman in your life outside of family...and when she asks "What about Lisa?" and you say that all of the influence from me was negative, was in the aftermath...I do hope you'll realize you're lying, a little bit. I do hope you'll realize that I tried my hardest, that I tried to make things work, I tried to acknowledge what happened instead of just ignoring it entirely. I do hope you'll realize that we were fucking amazing together, that we were a good thing. I'm not about to let you cheapen that.

I deserve better than what you've been offering. I deserve better than the months of constantly worrying about where I stand, afraid to say the wrong thing in the fear that it would drive you away. I deserve better than feeling like I'm second rate, like I'm good for a fuck and a suck and not much else. I deserve better than feeling like everything I'm feeling is a burden, like I'm just dragging you down. I deserve better than being told that my way of working through things is simply living in the past. I deserve better than being told to get over it, I deserve better than you telling me you never led me on, you didn't know the impact you had. I deserve a friend who loves me for who I am (flaws, illness, neuroses and all), not what they want me to be.